✨ How to return to a more perfect, primordial self
Good vibrations and other wild goose chases I've been on
There is a beautiful, beaming woman slowly sitting up and wiping away gentle tears in the middle of my instagram feed. She has that dazed, breathless smile you get after a good … well … let’s just say she looks euphoric.
She’s cocooned in a dark purple room that’s lit with gentle plumes of hot pink and pale blue neon light and as the camera pulls back, we can see she’s sitting on a low, purple-grey bed made from some kind of geometric roly-poly laid flat. The whole vibe is Janeway goes to Burning Man and I wouldn’t be shocked to see Guinan come around the corner with some space cocktails and a little wisdom from the next generation.
To be honest my first thought was “that’s pretty good marketing.” The Opus SoundBed™ will help me hit the reset button on life in 7 minutes or less! My second thought was “these people are definitely microdosing right now.”
Their instagram feed is covered with sacred geometry and white people sitting criss-cross-applesauce with their eyes closed. For just $2500, the Opus SoundBed™ will heal my trauma! Made to vibrate at 432 hertz, the Opus SoundBed™ will bring me back into harmony with the natural rhythms of Earth! Designed by Yves Béhar, the Opus SoundBed™ will enhance my living-space and unobtrusively message my wealth and superiority!
Back in 2008 when Goop was still just Gwyneth Paltrow’s cute little side project, she published a 5-day cleanse that promised to heal my gut and transform my life. I was a perpetually exhausted 26-year-old graduate student always on the lookout for anything that could make me thinner healthier and talked my roommate into doing it with me. The daily calorie total was probably something close to about 1,000 — well below what our bodies needed for basic organ functioning and most of the food was some form of vegetable slurry she was calling “soup.” We stumbled around for the first few days, pausing at the top of staircases and drinking hot lemon water to try and trick ourselves into thinking we weren’t starving. On day three, the cleanse said if we weren’t experiencing a thorough enough “evacuation” of the gut, we could take a quarter cup of castor oil to move things along. It must have been a misprint, because the typical recommended dose of castor oil for constipation is three teaspoons. Never the less, I cheered my roommate on as she choked down the oil and headed to bed, excited by the promise of a sparkling clean intestine.
I woke up the next morning to hear the tiniest, soft voice squeaking through the bathroom door.
“Melissa … I’ve been pooping … since 4 in the morning …”
We ended the cleanse that day.
The self-help industry loves to promise a pathway back to some primordially perfect version of ourselves that would definitely exist if it wasn’t for the failings of modern society. Take these supplements and finally stop feeling tired! Listen to these tapes and overcome your insecurity while you sleep! Complete this quiz and unlock your one true purpose in life! A few squares below the Opus Soundbed™, I ran into a lovely lady explaining how I should hold onto my pants and get myself ready for the lunar eclipse happening tonight. Apparently I need to write out my wildest, most ambitious dreams because Aquarius is watching and this energetic shift will be the thing I finally need to reach the stratosphere.
…but what if I don’t want to go to the stratosphere?
What if my wildest ambition is to spend my time dicking around on whatever I find interesting without worrying about paying my bills? Will Aquarius help me with that? Why is the unspoken promise of self-optimization that I’ll have more time and energy to put back into all the things that have left me worn out and stressed in the first place?
Why is the unspoken promise of self-optimization that I’ll have more time and energy to put back into all the things that have left me worn out and stressed in the first place?
I spent more time than I want to admit looking up the claims of the Opus Soundbed™. While there isn’t a single line of copy on their website about how the bed works, I found a few academic studies that outline the promise of vibroacousitc therapy — what the soundbed claims to deliver. The treatment methodology first came onto the scene in 1968, and is based on the theory of entrainment in physics — where two interacting vibrations match up over time.
Some studies (and not enough big ones) have shown that when specific low frequencies are applied to the body, patients report relief from neurological diseases like chronic pain, parkinsons and memory problems. When our neurological systems are working correctly to wire together, they fire at a frequency of 40 Hz. When they are not firing at that rate, they don’t connect as well and the circuit gets interrupted, resulting in things like muscle tremors and memory failure. The scientists who are following the thread believe that applying this specific 40 Hz low frequency vibration directly to the body entrains with the neurological circuits and sort of brings them back online.
The gauzy, purple womb of a website for the Opus Soundbed™ doesn’t say anything about treating disease — it just says it will boost my “emotional health” by applying the Schumann resonance to my body — a claim that appears to have absolutely no backing by anyone. So to save you $2500, I made a list of ways you can raise your vibration scientifically, for free:
Take a walk in the woods: The sound of the forest has been proven to lower heart rate, lower arousal and improve your mood. PS: the sound of the wind in the trees is about 40 Hz.1
Pet a cat or a dog: Proven to lower your cortisol levels, increase feelings of companionship and connection. PS: cats purr at about a frequency of about 40 Hz.2
Spend time by the sea, a river or a stream: Water sounds are proven to lower cortisol levels and increase feelings of calm and relaxation. PS: The sound of waves breaking is about 40 Hz.3
Go to a live concert: OK so not exactly free, but did you know people who go to the show every two weeks live NINE years longer?4
ICYMI
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6695879/
https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2018/02/power-pets#:~:text=Possible%20Health%20Effects&text=Interacting%20with%20animals%20has%20been,support%2C%20and%20boost%20your%20mood
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5842016/#:~:text=4.2.,baseline%20(Table%20%E2%80%8B1)
https://news.virginmediao2.co.uk/archive/science-says-gig-going-can-help-you-live-longer-and-increases-wellbeing/
I’ll add in another idea - join a choir! The vibrations are clutch.