📝 Practice: Take back your power over work, part one

Instead of relying on work to make us feel worthy, putting ourselves first turns work into a doorway to experience new things, explore new challenges and discover our whole selves.

“We’ll do it this time, but you should know — taking this much time off … it’s just really not done in the agency world.” my boss said, leaning forward with one grim eyebrow slightly raised.

I knew I was pushing my luck asking for six days off. The night before I’d sent in the request I’d tried everything to work out how to leave as late as possible and still make a family wedding in Athens, Ga and then fly immediately to Cornwall for another one — this time the wedding of my boyfriend’s cousin. We’d been together for about three years at that point and this was the first time I would meet his whole family. We wanted to stay in Europe for a little while after to relax — and unbeknownst to me, get engaged.

But six days…! Asking felt like a dare. My stomach lurched when I submitted the request. They would like me less. They would be inconvenienced. I was causing a problem.

I am a problem.

Getting pulled aside was a confirmation. A weird relief. I wasn’t successful because I worked hard to make things I was proud of; I was successful because other people liked me. And they liked me because I was an eager, helpful doormat committed to putting the boss first.

I learned at home that being loved and accepted is contingent on keeping everyone else happy. Some people learn they’re loved when they win. Or when they comply. Or when they fit in. But it’s not always so pathological, right? All children need grown-ups to help us understand what good looks like — it’s just that a lot of us never take those inputs and write our own rubric. We get to adulthood and realize that we have no idea what feels good to us — we just know what it feels like to get a nice pat on the head.

For some folks, the hollowness of that realization is too overwhelming to bear. Instead of slowing down and dealing with the discomfort, almost everyone I’ve met has spent years in a loop of going all in on a cultural goal, getting burned out and then going on a quest to find the next one that will absolutely be the one that lasts.

If I’m honest this has been the hardest part of my own journey — it’s really hard to set your own standards and stick with it when they fly in the face of conventional wisdom. I’ve been trying out different approaches for about three years and even though I’ve gotten better at it, it’s an ongoing process and it you’ve gotta get used to being weird at parties.

It’s worth it though. I don’t even want to write down how much fun I’m having at work these days because it feels like I’m trying to get you in on an MLM … but it’s real. I finally get what Bowie meant when he said “never work for other people.”

Even in a full-time gig, you have to find what’s in it for YOU. Not how it will make you look to other people. Not how it will make other people feel about you. You have to ask yourself: if there was no one else who even knew what I was doing, what would be in it for ME?

What do I find interesting? What do I find fun? What do I find satisfying or worthwhile? Because the work of it doesn’t go away. There will always be conflict and tedium and disappointment and even some late nights if you’re doing it right. But if you know the difference between pushing through because there’s something in it for you, and pushing through because it will make you look good to others; it’s a lot easier to stop when you need to rest, to hold fast when work pushes a boundary or and stand up for yourself when something conflicts with your values. Instead of relying on work to make us feel worthy, putting ourselves first turns work into a doorway to experience new things, explore new challenges and discover our whole selves.

“Never work for other people in what you do. Always remember that the reason that you initially started working was that there was something inside yourself that you felt that if you could manifest it in some way you would understand more about yourself and how you co-exist with the rest of society.”

— David Bowie

Practice: Figure out why you’re working so hard

This exercise has two parts — the first one is about unearthing some of the hidden beliefs, hopes and assumptions that linger under our motivations on the job right now. Next week we’ll work on re-discovering the silly, selfish, impractical motivations that are actually key to a sustainable approach to work.

Week 1: What are you trying to fix?

A lot of what has motivated me throughout my career has been pretty much geared towards finding a dream job. Deep, meaningful work with no conflict and a nintendo level of perfectly optimized challenges to keep me in a constant state of flow. God it sounds stupid when you say it out loud.

It’s a fantasy of course, but the thing about it that I hate even more is how it places the locus of control for our satisfaction in the hands of a JOB and not within us. It perpetuates the dead-end, neoliberal hope that employers are in the business of making us happy or that there’s some magic form of work that exists without difficulty and drudgery 🙃.

I’m not saying you should suck it up and stay in a toxic job — but I am saying that without addressing the job-as-savior mentality, you might make a change in your circumstances only to find yourself right back where you started. Instead, what if we could change the way that we approach our work so that even if you’re stuck in a toxic job, you can avoid the drama and still have some fun? What if you confidently knew which kind of bullshit is worth putting up with and which kind should send you packing?

It requires taking an honest, compassionate look at our goals and the motivations behind them. What are the myths you’re holding onto that are keeping you locked in a cycle of approval seeking and perfectionism?

Read through the statements on the graphic below and circle the ones that resonate with you. As always, don’t judge yourself for what shows up in this process. There’s nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed — just understood.

Now for the self-reflection part  

It’s not that these things aren’t true — they very well may be! But they’re not a given. And just like I’ve met way too many rich people to believe it’s a good idea to pile up a ton of money, I’ve met a lot of folks who’ve made it to the top of the ladder only to get real interested in finding a quick way off. More responsibility, more prestige, more control. These things seem like they’ll be the answer to our problems, but people are still people — disagreements and difficulty don’t go away just because you get a seat at the table. 

First, pick a few statements that feel right to you (or use the framework to write your own using your own professional goals.) Once you’ve selected the answers that resonate most, spend a little time journaling with the following prompts:

Printable Worksheets

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I've included some printable versions of this exercise here as a PDF after I heard a few of y'all printed out the last one!

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Imagine you reach your goal tomorrow — what will a day be like? What annoying things will you be able to avoid entirely? Be petty! Be ambitious! Have fun with it.

For the annoying stuff you’ll get to avoid, spend a little time pushing harder: Ask yourself, in the style of my fave weird self-help guru Byron Katie, “Is it true, sweetheart?

Can you be absolutely certain that if you become the boss tomorrow, you’ll never have to deal with another idiot like Chad again?” If you’re not 100% sure that this change to your circumstances will fix the problem, ask yourself what about it bothers you so much.

How does it make you feel? Does it make you feel small and ignored when Chad talks over you in meetings? Like he thinks you don’t matter? Then ask yourself — is it true that you don’t matter if Chad talks over you? Are you sure, sweetheart? (Probably a good idea to grab your tissues.) 

Write down what you’re afraid of. Write down how you feel. 

These annoyances are the irritating realities you’ll need to accept. In all likelihood, they will exist in every job you will ever have (to some degree.) There is always a Chad. The answer isn’t to find a magical land where there are no Chads, the answer is to figure how to have fun and enjoy your work despite the Chads.¹

Next, make a list of your irritating realities that cannot be changed. Underneath each one, imagine a funny, playful way to deflate the balloon. For example, “There are always going to be people like Chad who talk over me and make me feel unimportant. I don’t believe it’s true, and I’m not going to waste my time trying to prove him wrong. I’m just going to smile and politely remind him I was speaking.”

Next week we’ll do a similar process with all the good things that could happen and look underneath them for some new motivators and goals that are designed to build a work life that’s fun, free and full of adventure. 

Connect in the Comments

If you’re up for it, share some of your list with everyone in the comments — I know this stuff can be a little intimate, but I promise you’re not alone. I talk with people about this every single day and we are all struggling — sharing what you’re experiencing is cathartic and may really help someone else going through the same thing.

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ICYMI!

🏝️ End of Summer Guide: Links & Recs for Lizard Mode

🫀 Yeah, you can love your job. You've just gotta love yourself more.

"For we have been trained too long to strive and not enjoy" — John Maynard Keynes Was on the Side of the Orcas

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1. This isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card for systemic problems like crony capitalism and discrimination. That’s not something we can fix by changing our mindset. But to have the motivation and imagination to see beyond these systems of oppression we must know in our bones that no one gets to be in charge of our joy but us.